For those of you who take everything I say with a pinch of chilli, and thought me to be over exaggerating at the concept of catching deadly diseases on the tubes....I have caught the dreaded influenza and hope that you are now satisfied with the fact that I am living(slowly dying) proof of this fact. It is a fact that cannot be exaggerated enough and I believe that in such a time as this where new viruses are discovered everyday-it should be compulsory for people to wear masks in public. As my unemployed status still lingers, I thought that I might serve a public duty and stand outside the station handing out masks tomorrow morning-masks and coffee. I might also hint at the fact that H1N1 has now mutated to H3N4, to ensure that masks are in fat made use of, all in the hope that I will cure tubes of their disease ridden status. My next service to the tube nation will be standing at the entrance spraying hygiene hand disinfectant on peoples hands as they walk into the station, to rid the population dirty nail syndrome, and hand in mouth disease. The point of this paragraph is merely to point out to you that I have caught the flu, and I caught it from the granny coughing on the train, and I am now displeased.End of story (please refrain from sending flowers to me in this hard time as they merely remind me of how quickly things die, food packages and cheques would be of far more use).
There is one other situation that may have led to my falling ill, it began I believe, on Thursday. It was a beautiful day in London (thank you sun for the Y-back vest tan), I had just left an interview which I felt went reasonably well and was meeting a friend in Wimbledon for a coolie. I waited for her outside the station in the blazing sun and after she arrived needed to strip down to my vest-jerseys are unnecessary in this heat. Wait I take that back.Too late. ....
On our walk up to Wimbledon Village I slung my jersey over my handbag, all the while thinking, Claire Danielle, every time you do this your jersey falls off; at this point my thoughts must have been interrupted because I thought nothing more of it until alas when I went to open my bag to grab some quidage(my new gangster terminology for cash) my jersey was gone. So we had to retrace our steps, I might add that there were alot of steps, all the way back to the station. No jersey....my first experience of Crime in London. Yes South Africans, you are not so hard done by, I was robbed too.
So a drink with Gilly went down smoothly (the jersey became the least of my worries at this stage), I then headed onto Bond street to meet Nicola for an after work drink at All Bar One in this neat little courtyard behind a little dark alley (obviously after HER work drinks, because I don't work) and when I got out of the station on the other side....Gee wilikins, a little breeze that blew in from Alaska had settled-cold it was!All I could think about was my jersey for the duration of our drinks, when Nicola suggested I pop onto Oxford street and buy a cardi quickly (Did someone just suggest that I go shopping?How could I refuse?). So I trotted over to Oxford only to realise that it was 5 past 9, and Thursday night late shopping closes at 9...great timing. Luckily for my, the little I love London wagons were still open and haggling with tourists left right and centre. So I got in there, "Excuse me, hello, Yes I am from South Africa and I love Justin Bieber,so do you have a tracksuit top that says I love Justin Bieber?", Reply "aah I love London?", uuuhhhhh really, do they sound the same or is it just my accent?. Anyway I settled for the subtle, "I didn't go to Oxford University so I bought an Oxford University Tracksuit top so that you would think that I went to Oxford University" tracksuit top. It kept me warm, but the damage had already been done, I reckon the influenza must've gotten me on the way to the London wagon. Uncool.
Friday went by with a few thousand sneezes, but I assumed that it had something to do with the fact that I was basically a rabbit in a burrow however many meters underground in a warren of tube stations covered in miles of dust, is that so unreasonable?Bunnies sneeze an awful lot too.
Put the sneezes on the shelf for a sec, and analyse with me the second possible influenza contact.
I arrived at Bond street station and as I walk past another wagon (God forbid), this Israeli/Egyptian ( as offensive as it may sound, I cannot tell the difference) man, with long black curly locks stops me and says "I know you, you look like my wife to be".....Claire's Brain: "Think quick: does he look like a drug dealer?Yes. Could he be in the sex trade, selling girls off to dodgy places never to be seen again: yes. OK what should my response be?Head down and walk away".....Actual response "Haha, you're so funny, that's the fourth time someones told me that this week!". Fail. So this man, tells me I must throw all my boyfriends away and marry him, and that I have the most incredible accent he's ever come across. I was like, dude-that's just bad English, you're getting them confused. It turned out he was a sales man trying to sell me this hand salt and nail buffer, I washed my hands with this salt and to my amazement my hands felt like a baby's bottom. He made me hug him twice throughout the sales pitch....this is either the point at which I got the influenza or when I got Greasy hair.
Friday night finally arrives and Karene and I head out for Nicola's pre-birthday, birthday drinks. We go to The Explorer,that place was rocking....hip hop all night, they even played our request- Skee lo - I wish "I wish I was a little bit taller, wish I was a baller, wish I had a girl with a kid I would call her....". I was at the bar at one point and had a guy come up to me and say "My Friends fink you're really fi' (fit) and they re a li'l shy bu' (but) they're over there a' (at) the table"(a table of gangsters with flat caps, thick chains and knee jeans-the ones you wear around your knees).....at which point I laughed at him (poor guy-I literally laughed AT him) and said that's ridiculous, you'd only know I was fit if you'd seen me run. Needless to say he walked away. Notice in his spoken sentence, Londoners drop there T's wherever they see fi'(fit), which makes me wonder how they ask for directions to Topshop when they're asking you for 'opshop?
I did some poppin and lockin, and some booty droppin....met another Afrikaans bouncer, they're everywhere. In fact the world just becomes too small at times, we're sitting outside at a table and I hear these two girls speaking die mooiste taal ooit, and ask them if they're from Suid Afrika (dumb question-that accent is unmistakable)? They say Ya but we are, we arrrrrrrre actually from Bloemfonteeeeeeeeyn (Ill let you add the accents)Meet Maria and Karissa. So Nicola pipes up, ah I love Bloem, the men there are soooo hot. Especially this one guy I used to swim with-George Durant...mmmm, you've never seen anything like it, she starts gesturing as to the size of his bum in his speedo just as Karrissa points out that George is in fact Maria's brother.
After 2 great nights out, one always has to push for a third-or if you're in 1st year, 42 in a row. Karene and I headed to Borough Market on Saturday morning, absolutely love that place, but while ambling along symptom number 2 kicks in (number one was the sneezing), scratchy throat. That's when you know its gonna get'cha. So following Borough market, and an amazing roast pork baguette with stuffing and apple sauce, we headed to Nicola's for her birthday drinks, Nics was still up from the night before and wanted some partners in crime, so of course we volunteered our services. An afternoon in the sun, with pyramids of Gaymers (peach cider) did nothing but fast forward the multiplication of the influenza virus in my body. At round about 9pm, my body clocked out and said thanks for coming but I'm going to sleep. Terrible feeling having a healthy mind but an incapacitated body. So I hopped on the tube and prepared for the hour long trip home, harrowing trying to stay awake so as not to miss the next stop, even more harrowing however, is the thought of catching an STD from the couple next to me who were basically horizontal...PDA here is a pandemic that has gotten out od control.
Alas, I arrived home safely and awoke this morning on my death bed, which is why I have spent this post moaning about my fate. I cannot afford to be ill, literally, I cannot afford medication or a doctor.....so be off with you H2N2/tube virus.
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